This Fallout Shelter Would Be Much Cooler if I Didn’t Have to Be Stuck Down Here with My Wife and Kids March 18, 2020
Opinion: The Only Way to Stop the Coronavirus Is to Create Jobs for Middle-Class American Viruses February 18, 2020
I Don’t Make New Year’s Resolutions Because I Don’t Believe in the Gregorian Calendar December 31, 2019
Gaining 200 Pounds and Sneaking in Through People’s Chimneys at Night Was the Only Way to Spread the Word of God December 25, 2019
Opinion: Only People 21 and Older Are Responsible Enough to Buy Cigarettes for Their Younger Siblings December 20, 2019
Opinion: Pro Athletes Should Be Allowed to Exercise Their Right to Free Speech, Except Colin Kaepernick and Anyone Else I Disagree With October 16, 2019
Should Trees Be Charging People to Look at Their Leaves? We Asked This Tree but He Told Us to Talk to His Agent October 5, 2019
Krill Was My Favorite Animal Until I Found Out I Was A Blue Whale And Now I Am Hellbent On Consuming Them All July 24, 2019
Opinion: I Refuse to Watch ‘The Little Mermaid’ if Sebastian is Played by a Dungeness Crab July 10, 2019
If 16-year-olds Are Allowed to Vote for President, Then I Should Be Allowed to Vote for Prom Queen March 21, 2019