Local man Chris Breland has been protesting outside of Congress nonstop for the past week. But he’s not your run-off-the-mill activist focused on selfish issues like taxes and human rights. His mission: repeal the Third Amendment to the Constitution.
Breland says the amendment, which states that no soldier shall be quartered in a house without the owner’s consent, is a relic of a time when Americans were less open about “looking so damn buff and sexy in uniform.”
“It is a God given right that every American be allowed to have a platoon of sweaty, greased up Marines doing PT in their backyard,” said Breland, staring longingly at the outdoor gym he purpose-built for the occasion. “If the government can’t guarantee that, then this isn’t a country I want to live in.”
He added that while there are certainly other important issues that should be addressed in the long term, the need to have a bunch of hunky beefcakes doing pushups in his living room is urgent.
“Quarter those sexy troops in my house,” demanded Breland. “Or this isn’t even America.”