PHILADELPHIA, Penn. — Local police decided not to intervene in a turbulent protest today after realizing it was just Eagles fans burning cars and looting like they always do.
“Back to the station boys, there’s nothing to see here,” said police chief Derek Chalmers. “This is just routine Eagles fans rioting about our defensive depth chart or something.”
Police said it was difficult to tell whether they were dealing with “angry Eagles rioting,” “happy Eagles rioting,” or just regularly scheduled monthly riots over who the best coach in the NFC East is.
“We were worried this had something to do with social justice or something like that, and moved in to break it up,” said Chalmers. “Luckily, we noticed most of the cars being burned had New York Giants stickers on them. So no issues there.”