Embarrassed Rioter Hopes No One Notices He Looting Romance Novel Section

masked man in bookstore

MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — As protests turned into riots and looting over the weekend, embarrassed rioter Josh Murry hoped no one would notice he was looting the romance novels section of his local department store.

“Yeah, it’s a bit embarrassing. But I couldn’t pass up a chance at some free Nora Roberts,” said Murry as a Molotov cocktail flew overhead and engulfed the school supplies section in flames. “And look, an entire rack full of Lauren Dane’s Chase Family series. Jackpot!”

Murry says he won’t be looting any Nicholas Sparks novels because he is “totally overrated,” but he is hoping to get his hands on some steamy Lorelai James cowboy erotica.

“I’m torn on whether to steal a few Twilight novels or not, because Stephanie Meyer’s prose is a little amateurish,” said Murry. “But I just think vampires are so hot.”

At press time, an awkward Murry was trying to pass unnoticed through the feminine products aisle to plunder tampons for his wife.

Violet Hart contributed reporting from the feminine products aisle.