Millions of Americans Looking Forward to Treating Cashiers Like Shit Again


Millions of Americans are looking forward to the end of the COVID-19 pandemic so they can treat cashiers like shit again, sources report.

“I’ve been thanking the person who bags my groceries and calling them a hero,” said overweight soccer mom Lucy West. “But I can’t wait to go through self checkout and ask the 16-year-old kid on minimum wage how much he’s going to pay me for doing his job.”

“Ah, the simpler times, when I’d threaten to sue when someone asks if the dog I carry in my purse is a service animal.”

Grocery workers on the front lines report instances of customers calling them “retarded” are down to just a few per day. And retirees screaming “Let me talk to your boss!” no longer echo through the halls of our nation’s most essential businesses.

“People have stopped exploiting our company-mandated politeness when we explain we won’t honor their fake price tags. It’s been a nice change,” said customer service representative Harry Wang. “But I’d still like to get back to the days when customers like that guy in the pinstriped suit over there throw a fit and demand that I check the back room for products that don’t exist, so while I’m away he can try to recruit the female cashiers into being his prostitutes.”

Employees aren’t the only ones affected by recent goodwill towards grocery workers. Customers are also feeling the squeeze.

“I hope they start taking my scam returns again soon,” said local customer John Wiggins. “I just feel kind of bad stealing stuff off the shelves then returning it to get store credit so I can buy cigarettes when we’re in the midst of a pandemic.”