PYONGYANG — With his health rapidly deteriorating after a complicated heart surgery, desperate North Korean doctors began pumping dictator Kim Jong-un full of Lysol in a last-ditch effort to save him.
“Our spies within the evil American government have uncovered your secret about this magical substance which cures all ills when injected into the body,” said North Korean spokesman Lee Jeong-wu. “The capitalist pigs will hide this medicine from our great people no longer. It is already being pumped into our Fearless Leader’s body, and he is expected to be even wiser and more powerful than ever once the procedure is complete.”
“The greedy dogs of the west will bow down before him whose innards are cleansed of 99.9 percent of all germs!”
Within hours of the announcement, the U.S. intelligence community was scrambling to find out how this classified technology was leaked to the North Koreans.
“Maybe we left a bottle of Lysol sitting out after cleaning the break room? Maybe Jim let the maid borrow some again so she could ‘clean the bathroom’? Either way, we’ll get to the bottom of it,” said Acting Secretary of Homeland Security Chad Wolf. “And damn it Jim, how many times do I have to tell you to lock the janitor’s closet?”