After President Donald Trump said in a press briefing on Thursday ultraviolet light inside the body may be an effective means of combating COVID-19, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a statement warning all Americans not to launch themselves directly into the Sun to prevent the disease.
“While the Sun’s surface temperature is nearly 10,000 degrees fahrenheit and is likely to vaporize any coronaviruses present in your system, launching yourself 93 million miles through outer space into a star is not yet an FDA-approved treatment,” said CDC Director Robert Redfield. “UV light may be effective at killing viruses on surfaces, but the effect of completely immersing one’s body in molten hot radioactive gases is still under investigation.”
Many Americans are now lashing out, claiming that Trump’s advice has already caused them irreparable damage.
“Trump lied to me, and me and my family are paying the price,” said local citizen Rick Moore. “My wife and kids launched last night, and if my calculations are correct, their trajectory has already taken them past Mercury and they’ve reached a point of no return. Now, I don’t even know if the Sun will cure them or if they’ll come back even sicker than before.”
At press time, local reporter Clark Kent volunteered to travel into the Sun to report firsthand on its effectiveness as a treatment.