After it started sending millions of dollars in stimulus checks to Americans this week, the U.S. government said it was worried that the checks might give the false impression that its sole reason for existence isn’t just to take your money.
“Look, we’re all about getting the economy back on track and everything. But we don’t want you getting all touchy-feely and thinking we actually care about your well-being,” said government spokesman Carl Hall. “Once the Dow climbs another five percent or so you better be ready to start paying it to the man again.”
The government seemed particularly uneasy when many Americans expressed genuine gratitude after receiving a small portion of what was theirs in the first place. Officials are increasingly worried this might create unrealistic expectations that the government exists to benefit its citizens.
“Just because we did this one nice act for you guys doesn’t mean it’s gonna become a regular thing,” said Hall. “So go blow your twelve hundred bucks on TVs or light beer or whatever it is you people are into, and get ready for us to suck you dry again in a few months.”