Man Calls Microwaving Frozen Chicken Patty ‘Cooking’

chicken patty

Quarantined inside for weeks and forced to make his own food for the first time in his life, local man Jeff Weathers referred to the act of microwaving a frozen chicken patty as “cooking.”

“I’ve never been much of a cook, but I think I’m finally getting the hang of it,” said Weathers, thoroughly debating whether to set the microwave for 90 seconds or two minutes. “Sure, I messed it up the first couple times and almost burned the house down. But it doesn’t say anywhere on the package that you shouldn’t put a fork in the microwave.”

Weathers’s roommates are relieved that he learned how to cook so fast, as they had spent two hungry days staring at a box of uncooked pasta wondering what to do with it. Luckily, Weathers has been able to expertly prepare meals ranging from mac and cheese to baked beans on toast.

“Jeff is a real life saver. And he’s expanded his culinary repertoire in the past couple weeks to include exotic fare like Chef Boyardee and Ramen noodles,” said roommate Mitch Felcher. “He expertly blends his sauces so that the tanginess of the ketchup doesn’t overpower the slight rancidness of the two-year-old mayonnaise. It really titillates the palate.”

At press time, Weathers’s kitchen failed a health inspection after he accidentally sneezed on the entire bag of chicken patties.