Study Shows Suburban White Women Increasingly Suffering from Long Lines at Whole Foods

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A new study from Harvard University has shown that suburban white women are increasingly suffering from long lines at high end supermarket Whole Foods.

“While data show that wait times at Whole Foods registers rose steadily over the previous five year period, they seem to have spiked exponentially in the past year,” said Harvard researcher Dr. Mariano Broome. “We believe that a whole-of-government effort to increase investment in cash register and self-checkout technology may be the only way to save these soccer moms from spending upwards of thirty minutes in line.”

The study also showed that long lines were significantly inhibiting middle-aged yoga ladies’ abilities to consume gluten-free chia crackers in a timely manner.

“Sure, these organic dark-chocolate dipped non-GMO almonds are worth the wait. But Karen will throw a fit if I’m late for Zumba again,” said local white woman Mia Nowlan. “And then I’ll barely have time to post a meme about drinking wine on Facebook before heading to Amy’s Tupperware party!”

If you would like to support one of these women in their time of need, consider donating to one of the numerous GoFundMe pages that have been established to ease their suffering while standing in line.