Pants Futures Plummet as Nation Settles in to Telework

pants sales

Pants futures dropped for the fifth day in a row as news spread that most of the nation will continue teleworking until further notice to combat the spread of the novel coronavirus, the virus that causes COVID-19.

“This is the worst thing to happen to the pants industry since JNCO jeans,” said Dockers CEO Steve Singh as took off his braided leather dress belt and cinched it around his neck. “Our entire business model relies on dumpy middle-aged office workers needing to trudge to and from their sad little cubicles. Now I’ve got warehouses full of wrinkle-free pleated chinos that might as well be cargo shorts.”

“We really got caught with our pants down, so to speak.”

Not every portion of the clothing industry is suffering during this trouser downturn. According to JC Penney powerhouse Haggar, the other half of the suit separate industry is experiencing a boon.

“We’re doubling down on suit uppers,” said Haggar spokesperson, Peter Jacke. “Right now we’re making a killing with dress shirts, blazers, and clip-on ties. Additionally, we’re converting our old pants into shirt and blazer facades that just drape around your neck like a bib, you know, in case you get a last minute video teleconference notification.”

The pants industry is not the only market to experience a downturn in the new teleworking America. Market analysts say that many personal hygiene companies are in trouble as Americans are moving to a European standard of bathing only once or twice a month.

At press time, experts noted AXE Body Spray was bucking this trend and selling at record highs because coworkers can still smell it over video and audio teleconferences.