Charmin Bear Offers to Personally Wipe Butthole of Anyone Who Can’t Access Toilet Paper

charmin bear

With millions of Americans quarantined and stores sold out of essential toiletries nationwide, the Charmin bear has pledged to personally wipe the buttholes of any citizen who does not have access to toilet paper.

“My position as the leader of a global toilet paper empire comes with great power, but also great responsibility,” he said. “I will use my unique position to ensure every citizen’s butthole is clean, no matter the cost.”

The Charmin bear will not only be working round-the-clock to wipe the undersides of Americans in need, but he also guarantees he’ll provide the softest, cleanest wipes they will ever experience.

“I went to the store last Wednesday to stock up on toilet paper for my family, but they were already sold out,” said local mother Kristen O’Keefe. “Luckily, the Charmin bear has been coming to my house every morning to wipe all of our hineys clean. And with Charmin’s ultra durable diamond weave texture, we don’t have to worry about bits of toilet paper getting stuck in our buttholes.”

As CEO of Charmin’s parent company Proctor & Gamble, the bear also said he will be giving up his own salary in the coming months in order to put that money towards ramping up production and compensating the company’s thousands of professional toilet paper spoolers.

“With a little bit of hard work and sacrifice, we can weather this storm together,” he said. “As Americans, we must remember that wiping butts is not what we do, it’s who we are.”