A drunken CDC official has revealed that the “luck of the Irish” is currently the best known method to prevent the COVID-19 coronavirus.
“How about you, are you feeling lucky? I’m feeling lucky, because I’m Irish!” yelled Dr. Colin O’Donnell as he ripped a shot of Jameson whiskey. “Me and the boys, we’re gonna kick this coronavirus right in the nuts!”
O’Donnell says recent CDC tests on the disease reveal that covering one’s body in the color green and drinking for hours on end “probably works, but who gives a shit, gimme another beer.”
Governments around the world are now scrambling to acquire four leaf clovers, green top hats, and kegs of Guinness in an effort to immunize their populations.
“It is vitally important that we spread this Irish good fortune before the end of St. Patrick’s Day,” said a clearly intoxicated World Health Organization official. “Whether that’s vomiting on your bartender, lying face down passed out in a puddle, or smashing a half-drunk pint of ale over your friend’s head, everyone needs to do their part to spread the luck of the Irish.”