Americans Suddenly Realize They Haven’t Been Wiping Their Asses All These Years

Toilet paper shelves

The outbreak of the coronavirus COVID-19 has caused toilet paper to sell out at stores across the nation after millions of Americans realized they hadn’t been wiping their asses all these years.

“Wow, something about this global pandemic has helped me realize that I’ve been living my entire life with a dirty butthole,” said 28-year-old Katie Lee. “But thanks to coronavirus, I now know that I don’t have to live that way. So I went to the store and bought seven hundred dollars’ worth of toilet paper.”

Many Americans admitted that their butts had always felt dirty, but they never quite knew why or what to do about it.

“As long as I could remember, I always had a crusty, itchy monkey butt, but I just assumed that was normal,” said Gary O’Neill. “This whole wiping thing changed my life, and I have the coronavirus to thank for that.”

Americans added that, while stockpiling toilet paper during the outbreak of a respiratory disease seems nonsensical, it is appropriate given the circumstances.

“Some people might say ‘you don’t need to fill the entire back of a U-Haul truck with toilet paper,’” added Lee. “But honestly, I have years of backlogged wiping to make up for.”