SXSW Cancellation Threatens Mating Grounds of Nation’s Wild Keynote Speakers, Innovation Gurus

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AUSTIN, Texas — The annual SXSW festival has been canceled due to the recent outbreak of coronavirus, threatening one of the primary mating grounds of wild keynote speakers and innovation gurus in North America.

“We are saddened that our nation’s budding population of tech gurus, content creators, and thought leaders will not be able to use the fertile mating grounds of the SXSW festival this year,” said event spokesman Mark Peterson. “Unfortunately, A/B testing showed that user experience at this year’s festival would have been low, due to the likelihood of getting sick and dying.”

SXSW officials say the decision was made for the good of the influencer community writ-large, and they are working to find an alternate location where the nation’s branding strategists and ideation synergists can nest later in the year.

“Safety is our top priority,” said Peterson. “With such a large amount of chief creatives and paradigm shiftologists coming together in one place, we just couldn’t risk spreading the coronavirus to these already delicate species.”