Coronavirus has killed thousands, closed borders, and devastated world markets. But what the Wuhan coronavirus doesn’t know is that its upcoming trip to the United States will feature a battle against its toughest foe yet: essential oils.
The medical-pharmaceutical complex has already engaged in a vigorous propaganda campaign, saying that “there is no cure for coronavirus yet,” “we need money to develop one,” and “essential oils definitely will not work.” Keep in mind that these are the same hacks telling you that you need a flu shot every year and that their vaccine-profit-cocktails don’t cause autism. Here’s everything they don’t want you to know about the essential oils that will protect you from this “crisis.”
1. Dandelion Oil. Who knew this landscape pest was actually the weed that could save your life?! Apply in the ears daily to keep the pseudo-science propaganda from infiltrating your brain.
2. Mildew Reduction. Already a hit aroma for fighting SARS and MERS, it’s no surprise that coronavirus doesn’t stand a chance against diffused mildew.
3. Bergamot Nutmeg. The volatile oils in this healing mixture will help dissipate bad humours and ease your anxiety. So no matter how many people die of coronavirus around you, your mind will be at ease.
4. Eucalyptus Cinnamon Bark Infusion. It’s from the Earth so you know it’s pure. Rub some on the power centers around your Root and Heart Chakras to instantly heal your body and mind.
5. Essence of Loin: This all-natural human byproduct can only be harvested in summer. It is wrung from the undergarments after a long day in the sun and condensed into a potent serum. “Corona” clearly references the sun and summer, so you’re an idiot not to see why this one will work.