Candidates Promise to Kill Every Last New Hampshirite Who Refuses to Live Free

live free or die

In the closing hours of the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday, Democratic candidates made last-minute pleas to voters promising if they are elected then every last citizen who refuses to live free will be killed on the spot.

“I will personally stab to death any New Hampshirite who refuses to live a life of liberty,” said Bernie Sanders. “Every single person in New Hampshire will be required to register with our federal freedom tracking system, ‘,’ to ensure they are living by congressionally established standards of freedom. Anyone who doesn’t will fucking die.”

Other frontrunners Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren vowed to choke the life out of “any dumb fuck in New Hampshire” who doesn’t want to live free.

“If it’s written on your license plate, it’s basically the law,” said Joe Biden. “That’s the rule I’ve always lived by anyway.”