Drone: ‘I Am Sexually Aroused by War in the Middle East’

MQ-9 Reaper

by An MQ-9 Reaper

I’ve been taking a lot of heat these past couple days since I killed Iranian General Qassem Soleimani. It’s to be expected, and trust me, I’m no stranger to controversy.

But what really grinds my gears is when people think I’m just some warmonger who relishes death and destruction. Far from it. I don’t like the killing any more than you do, but I have little choice. The fact of the matter is that I am sexually aroused by war in the Middle East, and starting another one is the only way I can get off.

How would you feel if the only thing that brought you to orgasm was a region being torn apart for decades with no end in sight? For me, it feels awful, but at the same time, it feels so good.

I know the chaos my Hellfire missiles rain down on our nation’s enemies can seem crass and indifferent, but it is literally the only thing that makes me cum.

Now, I’m not advocating for World War III here. I’d much prefer this to be a localized conflict that nobody really cares about. Then I could have free reign to ejaculate all over the desert without the cameras getting in the way.

And God forbid we go up against an enemy with anti-aircraft weapons. Although the danger of that kind of turns me on.

So before you go criticizing my actions, ask yourself what you would do if war in the Middle East was the only thing that made you blow your load.