I Don’t Make New Year’s Resolutions Because I Don’t Believe in the Gregorian Calendar

gregorian calendar

by Randy Paxton

Each January, millions of people around the world make New Year’s resolutions on how they will change their lives for the better in the coming year. They resolve to get in shape, to improve their finances, or to finish a college degree.

While their intentions are genuine, the entire idea of New Year’s resolutions disgusts me. It disgusts me because the Gregorian calendar is just an attempt by the Gregorianists to make us conform to their worldview that solar calendars beginning on the year of Jesus’ birth are superior.

Answer me this: Who gave Pope Gregory XIII the authority in October 1582 to determine which calendar I have to live my life by? As far as I can tell, the Julian calendar was working just fine up until that point. And what about lunar calendars like the Chinese calendar, or calendars based around January 1, 1970 like Unix time? Did they even get a vote? Maybe I want to make my resolutions based on the 260-day Aztec tōnalpōhualli calendar. Maybe resolving to spend more time with my family works better when I do it starting with the 20-day month of the crocodilian sea monster Cipactli.

Every human civilization has had its own unique calendar with its own unique day to decide that this will be the year they quit smoking. Why do I have to make that decision on an arbitrary day called “January 1st,” as the Earth approaches perihelion in its orbit around the Sun?

I think it’s time somebody stood up to Pope Gregory XIII and told him that his calendar is a sham. I bet if you dug deep enough you’d find out he’s getting kickbacks from all these resolutions. This guy is taking credit for millions of people’s resolutions each year and it’s just not right.

So if you care more about free will than about subjecting your new exercise routine to Pope Gregory XIII’s calendarial edicts, then join me. Protest New Year’s resolutions!