Gaining 200 Pounds and Sneaking in Through People’s Chimneys at Night Was the Only Way to Spread the Word of God

jesus oped

by Jesus Christ

Times they are a changin’. Don’t I know it. Over the course of the more than 2,000 years that Christians have been celebrating my birth, I’ve used a variety of tactics to spread the word of God on my birthday. But it wasn’t until the past couple hundred years or so that my most successful program took form: gaining 200 pounds, growing a long white beard, and sneaking in through people’s chimneys at night to give them presents.

That’s right, turning myself into the creature you know as “Santa Claus” has been my most profitable Christianization campaign in thousands of years.

Not to say that I’m proud of it or anything. The overt gluttony and materialism that accompanies the day of my birth is almost entirely at odds with my teachings. But you have to make sacrifices to get ahead and help people achieve salvation. We’ve had a lot of competition from some pretty feisty religions these past couple hundred years, and leading a global religion is not for the feint of heart.

So far my business model has worked like a charm. For nearly a month leading up to each Christmas, mall employees across the world dress up in my incognito form, promising the gifts of their choice to millions of little children. Those children’s path to the Lord begins the first time they sit on a mall Santa’s lap. The idea of using deception, consumerism, and psychological manipulation to mass market my religion may not sound very biblical, but it works. Oh, brother, it works.

Again, I’m not proud that I had to resort to this sort of manipulative marketing tactic just to spread word of my Father’s will. But that’s modern day America for you. When in Rome, you die on a cross. When in America, you give people a bunch of shiny materialistic bullshit they don’t need.

And the whole bright red suit thing with the hat? To be honest, that was probably unnecessary. I just thought it looked hot.