New Peloton Feature Requires Users to Swear Blood Oath to Eris, Goddess of Strife

peloton in hell

A new feature released by stationary bicycle company Peloton will require users to swear a blood oath to Eris, the Greek Goddess of Discord and Strife, according to an announcement from the company.

“While previous editions of the Peloton allowed our users to suffer for hours on end beginning at four o’clock in the morning, this new feature will guarantee an endless suffering that will last for all eternity,” said Peloton spokeswoman Mallory Thames. “Get ready to shed those pounds, ladies!”

According to the company, once the blood pact is sealed, customers’ mortal essence will be fused with the chaos of the underworld, allowing them to burn fat in an everlasting inferno of pain.

“If you thought our 2-hour interval climb hurt, then just wait until you try our infinity swim through a river of molten lava,” said Thames. “It will literally melt off your fat and other soft tissue in an instant!”