CLEVELAND, Ohio — In celebration of Thanksgiving on Thursday, the Schneider family came together to celebrate an honored family tradition of being fat alcoholics who like to watch football.
“I’m gonna eat 8,000 calories of meat and starches, get drunk as hell, and watch me some football,” said Uncle Ricky. “It’s family tradition!”
Thanksgiving in the United States historically has been celebrated to give thanks for a bountiful harvest. But the Schneider family say they have always kept an open mind and haven’t limited their festivities to mere harvests. Thanksgiving for the Schneiders is also a time to come together and argue antagonistically about politics, religion, and the intricacies of the zone defense.
“Oh, yeah, you know old Uncle Ricky,” said Cousin Sheryl. “He always gets a bit bigoted once the wine starts flowing and he’s on his second pack of smokes. But that’s just how we do the holidays around here.”
At press time, the Schneiders were preparing for Black Friday to celebrate their long-standing tradition of being materialistic gluttons.