Report: ‘No Nut November’ Affects Millions of Squirrels Who Like to Cum

Squirrel nut

A new report by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has found that the month-long celebration of “No Nut November” may be impacting millions of squirrels who like to cum.

“The effects of ‘No Nut November’ go far beyond squirrels’ access to acorns, almonds, and other types of nut,” said FWS nut expert Marty Franks. “The average squirrel not only eats nuts, but also needs to nut multiple times a day just to survive. This could have dramatic impacts on squirrel reproduction, not to mention quality of life.”

Many squirrels are instead celebrating a modified version of the holiday by eating a diet of seeds and bugs but cumming as much as ever.

“I can go without acorns for a month, no problem. There’s plenty of pumpkin seeds out there for me to scavenge,” said one squirrel. “But I can’t imagine going a single hour without blowing my load.”

“We only live for like 12 years at most. If I spend a month without nutting, that’s a lot of nuts I’ll never get back.”