Rudy Giuliani is calling on his ass to resign after a tidal wave of sensitive information was leaked last week when the former New York City Mayor accidentally butt-dialed an NBC reporter.
“This is unacceptable and will not be tolerated,” said the President’s personal attorney, whose ass has a long history of inconveniently timed leaks. “Not only does this leak jeopardize the larger objectives of my body as a cohesive unit, but it demonstrates the complete inability of my ass to execute the duties of its office.”
Giuliani launched a probe into the incident at the request of President Trump, who has called Giuliani’s butt “a total disgrace,” and “one of the worst asses I’ve ever seen.”
Giuliani has said he’s willing to show leniency if the guilty cheek identifies itself. However, he warned the embattled anus to consider how it might fare in prison if it continues on its current destructive course.
“Something about this leak smells fishy. Specifically, like tilapia,” added Giuliani. “But I assure you, we’ll get this thing under control before it leaves a mark.”