Every year we spend so much time decorating our porch with pumpkins and other seasonal gourds. And every year the squirrels tear them apart, ruining all of our hard work.
Well this year we decided that’s not going to happen — or so we thought. We hired WWE superstar Brock Lesnar to protect our pumpkins from being eaten by squirrels, but those little fuckers ate him, too!
I guess we just assumed that the 290-pound goliath of a wrestler would be able to keep our pumpkins safe from a few rodents, but those squirrels are more bloodthirsty than we thought. We posted Lesnar outside to guard the front porch at around 8 p.m. Early the next morning we heard a thud, followed by painful moaning. We came outside to see that Lesnar had been eviscerated. Nearly all of his soft tissue had been eaten and his guts were strewn around the yard.
And the pumpkins? Destroyed.
Those squirrels spared no life. Now we have to worry about redecorating our porch in time for Halloween, not to mention a potentially huge lawsuit from Lesnar’s estate.
Are we to blame for putting Lesnar in the squirrels’ path of destruction? Or would the squirrels have gotten to him eventually?
One thing is clear: Those little fuckers have no mercy. No pumpkin or professional wrestler is safe from their maniacal feeding frenzy.