For decades, scientists have known that exposure to certain types of rocks and minerals can lead to medical complications. Fluoride in drinking water, the toxicity of mercury, and radioactive uranium are all examples.
But can rocks give you herpes?
Geologist Jeff Yoder recently contracted the sexually-transmitted infection, and his unfaithful wife told us that he must have gotten it from the rocks.
“There’s no other explanation except that he got herpes from working on an infected rock out in the field,” said his wife. “He should probably wear some more protection when he’s digging out there.”
Many of Yoder’s fellow geologists are skeptical about his wife’s claim, but they admit this type of thing is not unprecedented.
“Most of the rocks we work with are hundreds of millions of years old,” said Dr. Melanie Southard. “It is highly unlikely they are still out there being sexually active and contracting STDs. Although I did get gonorrhea from a feldspar once.”
While Yoder is distraught about contracting the virus, he is nevertheless excited about this potentially groundbreaking discovery.
“All those long days in the lab, all those long nights where my wife came home late smelling like another man’s cologne, it was all worth it for this scientific breakthrough,” said Yoder. “But I guess at some point I should stop sticking my dick in rocks.”