In what may prove a saving grace for the media industry, journalists across the world have announced the creation of an innovative concept called “news,” which will report factual information about current events.
“We’ve been so busy shoving our own opinions down people’s throats that we never considered maybe we can just present them with the facts and let them draw opinions on their own,” said reporter Tina Mahone. “I think people really are going to love this new approach to journalism.”
While an objective take on world events is yet to be proven as an effective way to sell newspapers, experts believe it may have long term benefits for the industry.
“No one ever would have thought that citizens of all classes and political affiliations prefer an impartial reporting of current affairs,” said Mahone. “But I guess you idiots are smarter than we thought.”
Update: This article has been modified to reflect new facts that better align with the views of our parent corporation.