Coca-Cola to Help Fight Obesity by Replacing Sugar With Cocaine

coca cola sno

ATLANTA—Stressing that all members of the food and beverage industry must do their part to combat this epidemic, The Coca-Cola Company announced during a press conference today their plans to replace the sugar normally found in their signature drink with high-grade, Colombian cocaine. 

“It’s common knowledge that excessive sugar intake can lead to obesity and heart disease,” said Coca-Cola nutritionist Adrienne Goodwin, wiping her nose and anxiously darting her eyes around the room. “But how many people know that a high-cocaine diet is proven to suppress your appetite, help you lose weight, and eliminate your need for sleep entirely?” 

Coca-Cola Sno®, which hits shelves this Fall, is the company’s attempt to revive the cocaine-soda craze of the 1920s which saw Coca-Cola grow into a global brand.

“Obesity rates in America have risen every year since cocaine was first removed from our beverages,” said Goodwin. “Sugar simply doesn’t have the same addictive benefits found in cocaine, and addiction is the key to weight loss.” 

According to Goodwin, the new formula, which contains three times as much cocaine as sodas during the Prohibition Era, has scored exceptionally well in focus groups.

“They can’t get enough of it. They all want more Coke. Some of them have already lost between 20 and 30 pounds,” said Goodwin. “I’ve never seen anything like it.” 

At press time, Coca-Cola reported that productivity at the company’s bottling plants had reached an all-time high.