Last White Claws in Cooler Designated as Protected Species

Cooler of white claws
Photo: White Claw

With their population gradually being diminished over the course of the evening, party host Greg on Friday declared all White Claws to be a protected species.

After hours of unrestrained hunting in which multiple guests had drunk over half a dozen White Claws each, Greg said he was upgrading the species’ status under the Endangered Species Act from “threatened” to “endangered.”

“The continued existence of White Claws is vital to maintaining a healthy and fun party environment. We must protect these beautiful creatures at all costs so that future arrivals to the party can also enjoy them,” said Greg. “And Karen, you’ve already had like ten. You’re cut off.”

Greg added that consuming White Claws wouldn’t be totally off limits. Drinking permits would be issued every half hour on a lottery basis to ensure fair and equitable distribution of access to the resource.

“Five licenses for natural lime, five for raspberry, and two for grapefruit shall be issued per half hour,” said Greg. “Black Cherry, unfortunately, has been hit hardest by your thirsts, so consumption will be prohibited until Steve makes a beer run to bring the population back up to sustainable levels.”

Partygoers have supported Greg’s decision, taking to social media with the hashtag #SaveOurClaws.

“White Claws have been native to Greg’s backyard all summer. I’m so happy people are finally taking action to protect this natural resource,” said partygoer Katy. “Luckily, we have plenty of invasive species here like Truly and Bon & Viv, so we can drink all those and keep this party going.”