After he repeated the phrase “baseball is a metaphor for life” for the thirtieth time on Sunday, players and fans say it became clear that the home plate umpire had taken a large dose of LSD during a San Diego Padres game.
“Sometimes you get a hit, sometimes you strike out, and sometimes a seventy-foot-tall Brontosaurus comes down from the left field bleachers and tells you that pitch was a little too low and outside,” umpire Nick Spiro said to third baseman Manny Machado. “Sorry, now the Brontosaurus is saying you’re out.”
Onlookers say Spiro spent the first three innings with his mask backwards meditating behind home plate because the crowd was “totally bugging [him] out.”
“I really think more people just need to step up to the plate and swing for the fences,” Spiro said to the Padres’ first base coach. “But you don’t want to swing too hard or the little birdie on your shoulder might fly away.”
Spiro’s acid trip began to wear off around the seventh inning stretch, but luckily he had another tablet of the drug “in the bullpen” to get him through the rest of the game.
“Baseball is a metaphor for life,” he said again while laying on the pitcher’s mound after the game and looking up at the stars. “Play ball!”