At least eleven people were killed Tuesday after the Minnesota Vikings raided and sacked a New England Patriots’ preseason practice session.
Onlookers say the team was running pass routes when a squad of Viking defensive linemen armed with swords and shields broke into the practice facility and began looting and burning equipment.
“It was horrible. Pure carnage,” said one member of the Patriots’ practice squad who managed to hide behind a blocking sled. “[Vikings defensive tackle] Linval Joseph cut Julian Edelman in half with a broadsword like he was a stick of butter.”
Kicker Stephen Gostkowski was outside the film room when the marauders burst through in a berserk frenzy.
“They rushed through the doors shouting ‘rape and pillage,’ then dragged Tom Brady and Coach Belichick out by their hair,” said Gostkowski. “Mine eyes will never unsee what they did to them. It was so horrible.”
Vikings head coach Mike Zimmer said the gods saw fit to grace his team with good fortune, as the Patriots’ security outposts were completely unmanned.
“They should have known better than to let their guard down during the prime raiding season,” said Zimmer. “Odin demands blood, and he shall have it! ‘Til Valhalla!”
At press time, the Oakland Raiders had fired a salvo of cannons into a Tampa Bay Buccaneers gym session.