Calling such urges a “natural part of adolescence,” and “something every young man goes through,” this Monday Vice President Mike Pence called upon male youths around the country to fight the overwhelming urge to picture what Jesus Christ might have looked like naked.
“I realize how tempting it is to undress the Messiah with your eyes as you stare up at his chiseled physique on the cross,” said Pence, adding that a young man could spend all day imagining what wonders the son of God might possess between his legs. “But it’s important to remind ourselves these urges are just one of the many erotic challenges the Lord will present you with over the course of your life.”
Later that afternoon, Pence held a workshop in a local parish where he instructed a group of boys on tips and tricks for overcoming everyday problems such as how to hide your erection while praying, using electricity to bring yourself closer to God, and remembering during Communion that you’re drinking Jesus’ blood, not his semen. Pence would later note how impressed he was that none of the young men seemed distracted by the erotic depiction of the angel Gabriel on the stained glass window to his left.
Pence ended the workshop by imploring the young men not to be ashamed of these feelings, as they are simply the victims of Satanic temptation, homosexual marriage, and gun control legislation.