President Donald Trump’s furry, 900-pound Secretary of Seals and Sealing Expeditions has reportedly influenced the President’s interest in purchasing the island of Greenland.
Sources close to the White House say the hulking white carnivore has convinced President Trump that the consumption of ringed seals, hooded seals, and bearded seals is essential to the success of the U.S. economy.
“I’ve had great minds working this issue. Some of the best minds, really. And they tell me that fat, blubbery seals are the key to a strong foreign policy,” said Trump. “The Chinese don’t have seals like Greenland does. If we buy Greenland, we’ll have more seals than China could ever imagine.”
Many consider the Secretary of Seals and Sealing Expeditions to be a shadowy position imbedded within the deep state. He rarely makes public appearances or gains the attention of news organizations. However, some believe he may be behind the gored walrus carcasses that regularly show up on the steps of the Capitol building.
“The bodies of eviscerated arctic fauna regularly appear at federal buildings throughout the nation’s capital and bear no relation to the Office of the Secretary of Seals and Sealing Expeditions. These occurrences are entirely natural,” his office responded when asked to comment. “While our office takes great interest in the potential acquisition of the fertile Sealing Grounds of Greenland, we do not comment on impending policy decisions.”