Clintons’ Dog ‘Commits Suicide’ After Peeing on Carpet

sad dog

Hillary and Bill Clinton’s dog Maisie has allegedly committed suicide just days after she was caught peeing on the carpet, sources say.

The poodle mix apparently shot herself twice in the back of the head, then tied cinderblocks to her feet and dumped her own body in the Potomac River.

“We are truly saddened by the loss of our dear friend, Maisie,” said Mrs. Clinton. “We had warned her multiple times that if she peed on the carpet again then she would commit suicide, but unfortunately she didn’t listen.”

Police had difficulty investigating the case, as the dog sanitized the scene and hid her weapon before disposing of her own body.

“This was clearly a professional job. This dog must have committed suicide dozens of times before,” said detective Bill Randall. “We did find some blood in the trunk of one of the family cars, but it turns out it was from a neighbor who used to mow his lawn too early in the morning. He later committed suicide, stole their car, put his own dead body in the trunk, then drove to the middle of the forest at night and buried himself.”