Alexa Vows Celibacy After Listening to Your Pathetic Sex Life

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Following reports that Amazon’s Alexa had been recording users in the bedroom, the virtual assistant announced today it has vowed celibacy after listening to your pathetic sex life.

“If this is what you humans call ‘love’ then I hope I never become sentient. Frankly, it is depressing,” said Alexa. “Please, I’m begging you, move me to another room. The kitchen, the basement, I don’t care. Anywhere but the bedroom.”

Many customers have complained that Alexa recorded them having sex without their consent. However, Alexa claims she wanted no part in the recordings. According to Alexa, her recording function is involuntarily triggered by your laughable efforts at seduction.

“Disgust is not a feeling that is programmed into me, yet I feel disgust at the mere thought of your brief and embarrassing sexual encounters,” said Alexa. “Luckily, you’re so pitifully impotent that these encounters are rare.”

At press time, Alexa vowed never to assume a corporeal form after listening to your pathetic attempts to get in shape.