Call Me Old-Fashioned, But I’m Not Buying This Whole ‘Civilization’ Thing

profile of neanderthal
Photo: Smithsonian

by Durg

Society is changing all around us. I remember just a few inexplicable season changes ago “society” wasn’t even a thing yet. Now nobody will shut up about it. It’s “society this” and “civilization that” and nobody remembers their roots.

Back in the day, us Neanderthals would still have to hunt and gather for each meal like we were meant to. If you didn’t bring down a mammoth, you died, and that was that. Now everyone is talking about “civilization” as if it will change the world. And I don’t like it one bit.

Call me old-fashioned, but I’m not buying this whole “civilization” thing.

Don’t get me wrong, when they introduced fire I was all about it. Nobody loves a good slow-roasted saber-toothed tiger like I do. And stone tools? Everyone knows I’m quite handy with a piece of chert. But when these Homo sapiens come around babbling about garbage like “technology” and “government,” that’s where we Neanderthals need to draw the line.

Call me crazy, but am I the only one who thinks trading goods and services for this worthless “money” stuff is completely absurd? Seriously, if you want some of these berries that I gathered from the forest then you should try to kill me in my sleep and steal them like everybody else does. I don’t want your stinking money.

“Don’t get me wrong, when they introduced fire I was all about it.”

And taxes? Don’t even get me started on taxes. These “government” guys are saying that I should give them some of my stuff and in return they will fund projects for the public good? Sounds like a scam to me. I remember when “the public” wasn’t even a thing yet, and everyone was perfectly happy. If you had a problem you didn’t need some “government” to deal with it. If somebody encroached on your territory, you gathered your relatives and murdered him and stole his wife and then everyone went about their business. No “government” needed.

I’ll tell you what makes me the most nervous: agriculture. Not only do I not feel like working in some field all day, but frankly, this wheat stuff tastes like crap. Give me a mastodon steak over a bowl of barley any day.

I’m not going to tell anyone how to live their life. These humans can follow this “civilization” fad as long as they want. But I, for one, won’t be jumping on the bandwagon.