Krill Was My Favorite Animal Until I Found Out I Was A Blue Whale And Now I Am Hellbent On Consuming Them All

blue whale swimming
Photo: us.whales.org

Sometimes you can go through your entire life thinking you know who you are. You know your likes, your dislikes, and the type of person you want to be. You think you have it all figured out.

But then a shockwave hits you and upends your world. You no longer know who you are and where you’re going, and you can’t come to grips with reality. The person you thought you were changes overnight.

That’s how it was with me and krill.

For the longest time, krill was my favorite animal. I had krill posters, a krill background on my iPhone, I even had a pet krill named Josephus.

Then one morning I awoke to the stunning realization that I was a blue whale, and in an instant I wanted nothing more than to consume the world’s entire krill population.

“…a shockwave hits you and upends your world.”

Just like that, no more krill-patterned underwear, no more front row tickets to Krillfest, no more walks to the park with Josephus. Just an unquenchable, ravening appetite for sweet, sweet krill.

I am a krill-eating machine hellbent on nourishment.

It’s crazy how things can do a total 180 like that. One day you’re tagging your friend in cute krill memes on Instagram. The next day you’re devouring a thousand pounds of them in a single gulp. Entire families, gone in seconds to feed my insatiable hunger for krill.

In a way, I kind of feel bad for them, especially for Josephus, who didn’t last long after I realized what I was. Heck, I feel bad for myself. This has been an emotional week. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t enjoying it.