Study Shows Plants Feel Pain but They Like It and Want More

tree with ball gag in mouth

A new study from the University of Wisconsin-Madison has found that not only can plants feel pain, but they enjoy it so much that they want more.

The research team’s forthcoming paper shows how “a little bit of hurt and humiliation” is actually beneficial for healthy plant growth.

“Experiments on over 100 different species showed that inflicting moderate to severe pain to a plant’s pistil or stamen could increase its growth rate up to 30 percent,” said Dr. Dorothy Witherspool. “Use of a ball gag and leather whip was especially effective. However, further research into the benefits of emotional degradation is still needed.”

Researchers predict this knowledge will have profound effects on the agriculture industry, as farmers will no longer have to take it easy on their crops when punishing them for being a “naughty boy.”

“I’d usually give my corn a little spanking or maybe tie it up for an hour when it wasn’t growing fast, but now I know to go full on S&M on it,” said corn farmer Whit Dahlgren. “Coincidentally, I already I have the right tools for the job.”