68-year-old baby boomer Harold White announced today that, despite the fact that he does not have the technological literacy to open an email attachment, he will be storming Area 51 in order to discover secret alien technology that may change the course of human history.
“The government can’t keep these alien spacecraft from us forever,” said White. “Also, it’s time they come clean and give us the advanced technology needed to operate these mysterious ‘computers.’ Clearly some alien intelligence was involved in the creation of PDFs and Microsoft Word documents, as no human has the mental capacity to figure out how to open or save one.”
In addition to operating the sophisticated technology associated with flying saucers and personal computers, White believes Area 51 may also contain schematics on how to properly text a photo to his son.
“The engineering involved in creating an account on the Facebooks or adding an attachment to an email without sending a virus to everyone in my contacts list clearly has extraterrestrial origins,” White said. “It’s time the government made this public. The whole human race would benefit from the aliens’ knowledge of how to type with more than just your index fingers.”
Added White, “But I bet I could teach them a thing or two about mortgages.”