In a shocking report from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, a number of suburban dads marked the official start of summer weeks early this year by declaring “it’s a hot one.”
“The correlation between dads declaring ‘it’s a hot one’ and global temperatures is unparalleled,” said IPCC climatologist Dr. Katherine Hoff. “While we still don’t have enough data for predictive analytics, statistics show that dads declaring ‘it’s gonna be a hot one’ can forecast temperature rises up to a week into the future.”
In 1980 the average date that suburban fathers would usher in summer was mid-June. As recently as the 1988 jet stream dip, no dads muttered “it’s a hot one out there” or even “today’s gonna be a scorcher” until July 2, barely kicking off the season in time for Independence Day. Since then, however, dads have been announcing the start of summer as early as May, leading to a major increase in global temperatures.
“In May 2004, a Mr. Richard Peters from Laurel, Maryland walked outside and immediately declared it a hot one. Within minutes, dads across the country were outside at their grills cooking burgers and drinking a Bud Light,” said Hoff. “We didn’t flag it as an issue at first. Then, in early June 2011, another dad from suburban St. Louis wiped his brow and claimed it was a scorcher while cleaning his pool. Suddenly, the Earth tilted an extra three degrees, exposing North America more directly to the Sun, birds returned from their migrations, and schools were immediately closed.”
The IPCC says these instances aren’t the only proof of dads’ influence over the seasons. A number have dads have initiated summer while changing the oil in their ’88 Firebird wearing ripped jeans and their high school t-shirt with cut-off sleeves after telling the mailman “you could fry an egg on this baby.”
Some suburban fathers have gone as far as altering the amount of water vapor in the air by declaring “it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.”
“While they may bring on summer earlier than we want, one thing is for certain,” added Hoff, “we’re lucky we have them around to keep the thermostat at 65° F.”