In what many scientists have referred to as a “nationwide crisis,” a recent study by the Food and Drug Administration has found that interactions with Americans’ sketchy cousin had gone down 70% since the legalization of marijuana.
“Sketchy cousins have seen far fewer texts and virtually no human interactions with their relatives outside of official family gatherings,” said Dr. Mark Lederhosen. “We’ve collected the data from over ten thousand sketchy cousins over the course of months, and almost none of them received a text asking to buy weed.”
Since legalization, blacklight sales have plummeted and gas station clerk applications have skyrocketed as the country’s sketchy cousins have become strapped for cash. Incense and samurai sword shops have been hit the hardest.
“The data is certainly alarming,” said Lederhosen. “The dramatic reduction in time people spend in their sketchy cousin’s room nodding ‘oh yeah, that’s cool’ could reshape the family structure as we know it.”
The data is not all grim, says Lederhosen. Many normal cousins have reported an increase in both marijuana quality and service.
“Yeah, I don’t really see Jake anymore, and I’m fine with that,” said one non-sketchy cousin. “He always made me look at his bearded dragon, and I think he was shorting me on grams.”