SAN DIEGO – A giant panda at the San Diego Zoo woke up Sunday morning missing his wallet with cheap bamboo shreds stuck to his face, sources report.
“Ah, fuck,” said Ling Ling, peeling himself off an unfamiliar rock in his play enrichment enclosure. “Where is that light coming from. Oh lord. I am never drinking again.”
Sources close to Ling Ling report that he will, in fact, drink again.
“Ling Ling has been known to hit the Szechuan sauce pretty hard,” said Rusty, a red panda who lives nearby in Mammal Land. “Bing Bing and Mei Xiang usually just have a couple of drinks and enjoy themselves, but Ling Ling really gets out of hand sometimes.”
Ling Ling was last seen idly flipping through Panda Cam footage from the night before, suddenly remembering when he fell headfirst down his slide, rolled around in a pile of hay declaring himself “charismatic megafauna” and sharing his late-night bamboo with an interpretative sign about climate change.