Yetis: ‘Don’t Limit the Number of People Climbing Mt. Everest Until You Can Provide Us With Another Viable Food Source’

Yetis: 'Don't Limit the Number of People Climbing Mt. Everest Until You Can Provide Us Another Viable Food Source'

I’ve lived up here a long time. I’ve seen lots of climbers come and go. I have the utmost respect for those brave humans who dare enter my domain atop the mountain. And I truly sympathize with the families of the many climbers who are lost on Mt. Everest each year.

But when I heard that the Nepalese government might limit the number of climbing permits it gives out, I knew I had to speak up.

Us Yetis live off the human flesh of those fallen mountaineers, and the government should continue to supply us with an ample supply of fresh meat until they can find another viable food source to replace it.

Long have us Abominable Snowmen lived in a symbiotic relationship with humans. We allow them to climb our mountain in relative peace. In turn, we prey on the occasional straggler. Sure, sometimes we go overboard and feast on an entire climbing party, but that’s only during mating season.

We get very hungry during mating season.

Perhaps yak meat is the answer. Lord knows Yetis enjoy a good yak stew as much as the next guy. But yaks are slow, unwieldy beasts, and they rarely venture above base camp.

Once a climber makes it to 26,000 feet, however, you know they’re strong. You know they’ll provide that tough, stringy meat us Yetis love most.

So until the Nepalese government offers a viable alternative to human mountaineer flesh, I am warning them not to reduce the number of climbing permits they issue. I am open to discuss this matter further with anyone who can reach the summit.