CAMBRIDGE, Mass. – Dr. Roger Lewis, a drunk research physicist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, has published a ground-breaking paper outlining the immediate positive benefits of calling your ex.
“Shelia, like, gets me, and I think she’s missing me pretty badly,” said Lewis, pulling out the Android phone he wrote custom software for and accidentally texting his mom, “U up?”
Lewis’s primary research has focused on the geometry of quantum resource qualification, published in peer-reviewed journals such as Science and Nature, though he’s also been known to work extensively in the qualitative studies of Shelia’s longterm promise as a sexual partner, a cognitive framework of how that’s probably Shelia with her cousin in that picture, and line-by-line accounting of how things would go better this time around if Shelia just stopped being stubborn and gave him one more chance.
“This is ground-breaking work that should be shared with the wider scientific community,” said Dr. Gordon Leavitt, the chair of Lewis’s department. “Now that Roger has collected enough data on Shelia to publish, we expect him to pass out on the living room couch and forget that he tried to get her to come over at 2am.”