Police Demand Julian Assange Hand Over Classified Ecuadorian Ceviche Recipe

Police Demand Julian Assange Hand Over Classified Ecuadorian Ceviche Recipe

LONDON — Less than 24 hours after he was arrested at the Ecuadorian embassy by UK authorities, police have demanded that Julian Assange hand over highly classified data on a delectable Ecuadorian ceviche recipe.

“He says he is just exercising his right to free speech, but what would happen if this recipe was posted online where anyone could see it? The world can’t handle that much fishy, citrusy deliciousness,” said investigator Ed Fleming. “And we’re only scratching the surface. We still have no idea where they get cilantro that fresh.”

Assange’s lawyer says he will not speak to investigators until he goes to trial, but police think they can convince him to talk.

“Oh yeah, he’ll talk,” said Fleming. “This guy’s been living off delicious soups like ceviche and Fanesca for the past seven years. He won’t last a day eating our disgusting British food.”