Recently declassified reports on a top secret military weapon that causes victims to immediately fall asleep has revealed that the weapon is actually just forcing people to watch baseball.
“After years of research and field testing, we found that the most instantaneous way to lull an enemy combatant to sleep was by putting baseball on TV,” reads the report. “Not even the most intense amphetamines and psychotropic drugs can counter the drowsing effects of watching nine innings of a ball game.”
While the weapon’s effectiveness has been tested in the lab, the Department of Defense says the program has not been approved for use in combat.
“A weapon this powerful very well may violate the Geneva Conventions,” said Lt. Col. Carlin Burkeman, and Army lawyer. “Especially if we’re talking an Orioles-Blue Jays game or something just awful like that.”