by Florida Man
When I first heard that Governor Ron DeSantis was signing a bill that would legalize medical marijuana in Florida, I applauded. I thought it was one step forward for a state that many Americans see as backward and disconnected from the modern world. But now I realize I was shortsighted. Little did I know that when the governor put his pen to paper on Monday to legalize medical marijuana, Florida would quickly devolve into a state of absolute chaos.
Just yesterday, we Floridians were going about our normal lives, passing the days in harmony with our crocodilian neighbors. Now, hundreds of alligators are stoned out of their minds on medical marijuana. They are hell bent on destruction, and they are very, very hungry. Please, for the love of God, somebody send help.
If you have never seen an 800-pound lizard beast completely zonked after smoking a massive blunt, I pray you never have to. Their appetite for flesh is insatiable. They will eat an entire McDonald’s supply of burgers and still have room for the cashier.
The police cannot stop them. A weed-crazed gator can easily withstand an entire magazine of 9mm bullets without batting an eye. They only make him mad.
After ripping a bong and tearing through the skin and bones of an entire family of four, they will just lay out in the sun all day completely baked. They are so lazy. They contribute nothing to society.
For the safety of all Floridians, I beg the governor to rethink his decision. A totally blazed alligator knows no mercy.