WASHINGTON — Unsure whether today was indeed St. Patrick’s Day or not, local man Joe Quinn decided it was to best to get black out drunk just in case.
“I know it’s sometime this week, but I just can’t remember which day,” said Quinn as he chugged his eleventh beer of the afternoon out of his shoe. “I’d better black out just to be on the safe side. I wouldn’t want to miss it.”
Quinn admitted he had been waiting all year for the holiday — which he typically spends getting absolutely plastered with his closest friends — but had forgotten to mark it on his calendar after blacking out on Presidents’ Day last month.
“You know, St. Patty’s might actually be tomorrow or the next day, now that I think of it,” said Quinn, swigging from a bottle of Jameson a stranger passed him on the street. “In any case, I’d better down just a few more shots as a precaution.”
At press time, Quinn figured that today might in fact be Thanksgiving and decided to eat an entire turkey and black out on mulled cider on the off chance that it was.