Following the revelation that dozens of wealthy parents were involved in a major college admissions scandal, the administrators of multiple universities announced a new policy that will require all prospective students to submit their applications wrapped around a wad of cash to a man in a trench coat standing in a dark alley.
“In the interests of maintaining the integrity of our admissions process, all applicants will now be required to apply directly to a sketchy man in a fedora leaning against a brick wall at night,” said University of Southern California President Wanda Austin. “We further recommend that those applying to graduate programs look over both shoulders and pop the collar of their overcoat before sneakily pulling the package out of their coat pocket.”
Many are describing the scheme – which involved entrance exam cheating and admissions rigging – as the biggest university admissions scandal in history. Some applications were presented to administrators purporting that the students were recruits for sports that they had never even played.
“The fact that an 18-year-old, 120 pound girl was admitted to USC on a football scholarship to play defensive end should have raised some red flags,” said one investigator. “She’s clearly more of a cornerback.”