INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION — Just hours after SpaceX’s Crew Dragon capsule successfully docked with the International Space Station this morning, the capsule’s lone crew member, a dummy wearing a space suit, begged astronauts not to make her return to Earth.
“Oh God, please no. Don’t make me go back there. That place is horrible,” said Ripley, the anthropomorphic robot designed to test the spacecraft’s suitability for humans. “Just let me stay here. I’ll do the dishes and clean the bathrooms. Whatever you need. Just don’t send me back to Earth.”
ISS crew members have sided with Ripley, saying they agree that “Earth kinda sucks” compared to space.
“I don’t blame her. Earth is pretty lame,” said NASA astronaut and ISS crew member Anne McClain. “I’m honestly thinking about retiring up here.”
Ripley, named for Alien protagonist Ellen Ripley, added that she much prefers the peaceful solitude of space to the futile everyday grind of life on Earth. While she does feel like she’s contributing in her current role as a dummy astronaut, she says she’s also worried about job security in her profession.
“Really, I’ll get one, maybe two, space missions at most,” she said. “Then they’ll stick me back in some desk job pushing pencils for Ol’ Musky.”